Selfless love

There once was a woman who gave birth to you. Before there was even a heartbeat, she loved you - I know she did. How do I know? She chose life for you. You were born with a myriad of special needs, and she likely knew about them all. She raised you until one day she had to do the unthinkable and place you for adoption. I know her heart was pounding as she pulled up to the orphanage to secretly leave you there. How do I know?  I am a mother.

She took you to a place where she felt you would be safe and taken care of. When I ask you what your belly mama looked like, you give the perfect answer - "she looked like me".  Oh, how beautiful she must be.  I often times wonder if your birthmother loved to sing and that's where you got the joy from music. I also wonder if she crinkles her nose up when she laughs, just as you do. I wonder if she had a great sense of humor and was wonderful at figuring out puzzles in life like you are.  

 

I wonder.

And I wonder.

One thing is for certain... she was selfless. She placed you with strangers so that you would have a better chance to live. She kept you for four years. Four years she raised you and then had to say "goodbye".  She had other choices, ones that make my stomach turn, but she didn't choose those. 
This woman means more to me than I can explain. She held my heart in her belly. She nursed you as a baby. She looked deep into your eyes and had dreams for you. She is the reason you have life, and I get the privilege to teach you how to live it. 

We are a team. 

She is the pitcher that pitched you the game of life and I am the coach teaching you how to knock it out of the park.

She had dreams for you and I get to teach you how to reach them. 

In photos taken shortly after you arrived at the orphanage, all I see in your eyes is grieving.  The picture is so special because it shows how much you loved your "belly mama". You can see it in your eyes.  You were aching with grief. For a long while during our wait, it was one of the only photos we had of you. It was quickly framed in a beautiful frame.  We didn't know you then, only had the photos. When you came home to us, we opened the front door and the first thing I saw was that haunting photo. I hated it. It is special, but oh so painful. It was quickly replaced with another photo and packed away for you to have one day. 

 I remember being on my knees in my laundry room begging the Lord to send me a child and I promised Him I would raise you to know God and to serve Him daily. I take my coaching job seriously, but it's a job I never wished I had to do. When you call upon me and I hear "Mom", I sometimes shudder as I hear it echo throughout my ears and travel to my heart. The tragedy that happened so that I can become your mother is more than I can handle on my own.  Today is the special day before Mother's Day to honor your special birthmother. I pray that she is taken care of and all her needs are met.  I pray that one day she will somehow know that you are becoming healthy and happy, that you are adored and are His child. I pray that she knows Jesus and has a peace that can only come through Him.   I pray she knows that she made the right choice, the heroic and selfless one.  Today, we honor your birthmother - part of your heart.


                                                                                                      With privilege,
                                                                                                                         Mommy