18 months

I woke up this morning to a sweet little body curled up next to me. Every night around three in the morning, we hear tiny little footsteps running to our bed. Every single night is the same; you run to my side of the bed and lay your cheek on mine and say "May I, Mommy?" My answer is always the same - "always!"
So your cold, little feet come reaching over to tightly snuggle in the middle.

It is your happy place.

Snuggled between our bodies and right inside our hearts, is your happy place.

You love us BIG and we love you bigger. You're in a healthier spot than what I would've ever dreamed for you. You know you're ours and trust us fiercely. Last night you were my grocery store companion. You eagerly spent your one dollar on choosing a candy. I never leave your side, but needed something quickly two isles over while you decided between gummy bears and gum. I told you to be deciding while I grabbed something. As soon as the words left my tongue, I became sick with grief. What if for a second, it sparked a memory for you. You quickly deciding the gum or bears wasn't for you and you would choose "Bean boozled" jelly beans and ran to find me yelling in the store with disappearing eyes "Mama!" When I raced around the corner, you hugged me and said "don't worry, Mama, I knew you were here." You precious, precious soul; my sweet, little friend. I love you more than words can ever say.

Your favorite pastime at the moment is playing board games. We have been playing them each night and one night after a dinner-time grocery run, we decided to all eat sandwiches and you choose noodles.. and we are on the couch! It was such a fun thrill for you. The spontaneous decision and unlikely one made you smile from ear to ear. You love a simple surprise!

Your favorite restaurant is "Panda Chinese", also known as Panda Express. (I think it is the fortune cookie). We went here today, just you and me, baby girl.

You love to wear your warm boots and tons of layers. You can take the girl out of China, but can't take the China out of the girl! You want to someday be a heart surgeon, but something tells me that you will be the quirky doctor with layers and funky fuzzy socks.

You love when I make Chinese noodle stir-fry and jiaoze. The Asian market makes you squeal like nothing I've ever heard!

Your favorite name to be called is your full name, because you're so proud we chose a name for you with love. Hearing your surname that belongs to all of us is almost more than you can bear.
You and Eli fight and nag more than Ricky and Lucy, but there is a bond there that I can only describe as a "twin bond". It didn't come quickly or easily by any stretch of the imagination, but because of Eli''s perserversnce and strong love, he pushed through that barrier and MADE you love him! You two are like peas and carrots.
Your favorite color was blue.. until today; now it is yellow because it "reminds you of sunshine." You remind me of sunshine, Joy!!!! You dream of us adopting more children. You know their hearts and how they long for a family, just as you did. You beg me to help their families find them. What a difference you are making in this world, Joy! We love you and are so happy to celebrate 18 months together as a family. We talked about today and what it meant and I asked you to describe adoption in one word. Your word was "awesome"! This was the picture of you waiting for us the day we would have you forever!

I'm so happy with forever, Joy!!!!!

Today, you asked what the message on your shirt meant. When I explained it, you said " this message is so special." You liked the shirt and decided to take some photos of it while waiting at the doctor.

Mommy!

Run home

Sitting in a bath full of suds and looking up at me with the most adorning look as I wash you made me utter the words under my breath "we could've missed this." You're ours - forever. Thank you, God!

Today,  I revel in something so special.

Most people only see your silly, sarcastic, fun side. Your family gets to see many other sides.  Today while I was bathing you, I got to see my favorite side; the transparency.

As I scrubbed your hair, we talked about family, as we do a lot, to practice good connective parenting. As I rinsed your hair with a cup, I said "oooh, a rainstorm! You are  running and it is soaking your hair, clothes and skin! Where are you running?"   I just knew you  would say "SkyZone, the Zoo or some place alike."  Instead, you said with eyes closed, looking upward, "HOME!"
It took a lot of time for you to speak with such walls down. What an HONOR it is for you to want to run into our arms, instead of away. As much time as we spend at the house, it's still your favorite.  We are so happy that you love us so. When everyone was tucked in tonight, we snuck you back to the living room to spend some extra minutes alone with us (we do this with the others too, but no one knows when this happens). You got my favorite blanket and chose me to snuggle with. You looked up at me and said "thank you for adopting me, Mama."  So many people told us that children aren't thankful to be adopted. We know we would choose you a thousand times and can't imagine not having you, but I do wish your life would've been different and you wouldn't have had the trauma or abandonment and adoption. I wish that because that's what love wishes. But, you proved all those people wrong. You are thankful. We are so happy you are with us. You are praying at dinner now more often. Two nights ago your prayer was this :

"Dear Lord,
Thank you for our food,  our family, our freedom and that we can homeschool. Thank you for my sister, Evie. Please watch over her and bring her home. Please be with my other sister and brothers and mama and daddy. Help me to make right choices. In Jesus' name, I pray, Amen. "

What wisdom you have and such bravery. We just recovered after your urinary surgery. You had a c-section cut and a drain coming out of each end of the incision. You had a penrose drain and a Foley as well. Rough surgery, but you took it like a champ. The doctors and nurses are always amazed.  Nurse Jessica fell in love with you. You talk about wanting to be a doctor almost daily. After her hearing that you watch real surgeries on YouTube, she gifted you her real stethoscope!!!! You wore it tonight to perform a miraculous, life-saving surgery while in your white medical coat and white surgical gear.

Thank you for being you, Joy. Thank you for your silliness, sarcasm, wit, wisdom, tenderness and occasional transparency.

Home, even in your dreams, you want to run home. We couldn't be more blessed with you in our lives... all of us.

A new life, a new heart

Joy, today marks a year that something amazing happened. So many incredible things led up to this point. We got you home in June and your first cardiology appointment was August 1. We got the shock of a lifetime that your aorta wasn't just a coarctation that looked like a narrowing vessel.... Your aorta was totally missing a one inch section.

 A ghost aorta.

Gone.

As we stared at those MRI images, I went dizzy and so did your Dad. How on earth did you sustain life with an aorta that wasn't attached? Your tiny body was born with congenital heart disease. You had a narrowing section of your aorta since you were perfectly created in your birth mother's womb. You were the 1 out of  the 110 that are born with CHD. Most newborns have open heart surgery as soon as they are born with a coarc. You didn't have that luxury. Most babies wouldn't live long at all without this immediate surgery. I like to think that God knew exactly how tough you were. As years went on, your sweet body made collateral veins to carry blood around the narrowed section. Your aorta was dying. Slowly dying and disappearing was the vessel that held life in its hands. Your blood pressure was 195/140 - stroke level by far. We learned that we got you home just in time. In a couple of months, if not surgically treated, likely your caregivers would've opened a bedroom doors early one morning and found you lifeless.

You were a picture of health on the outside. No one knew your heart was sick by looking at your outward appearance.

But the Lord said to Samuel, " Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.

The Lord really looked at your heart for years. He watched and protected you all of your days.
Your heart is so beautiful, so forgiving, so graceful. Your heart is kind, and loving, and FUNNY. Your heart is strong and brave, fiercely protective, caring of others and bold.

People can be deceiving. People can lie, manipulate, and harbor many negative attributes. Those people can be beautiful outwardly, but ultimately, The Lord sees the heart. The core of us. The important part of us, our souls, our beliefs, our love for Him. All those things can be hidden in your heart, but Joy.... Your beauty radiates from your heart right out of you brown eyes and beautiful smile. Your love of the Lord shows. You're  on fire. Your dedicated to learning about Him, as you would choose me reading a Bible story over anything else.

You are so beautiful.

Your scars are beautiful.

Your pain is beautiful, because from ashes He brings beautiful healing.

You are you - simply beautiful because your heart is.

So. As I gently finger your scar today, I am reminded of September 8, 2015; a day of hope, a day of healing and a day of miracles. May we all see our scars as beauty from the ashes as you do, Joy.

Time to read!

School started back last week and you are a different student this year! You are on FIRE to learn. You've learned so much English, that you're ready to READ. So thrilled for you. Your words you are learning are I, A, the, pop, can, am, look and we. You are doing fantastic sitting still, too. What a difference a year makes. 

I am so proud of you and your ambition! 

We had a little fun with our first day of school. We found some pink spray from Halloween that I bought for a quarter on clearance and thought we could use it (and other colors) for some fun! We sprayed a pink strip in your hair (it washes out) and you had a blast with that ! 

We also got you a hair trim after this photo. It looks so much thicker and pretty. You found a shower cap and proceeded to wear it after your trim. Your desire is to have LONNNG hair. You put the cap on yo "protest my hair and to keep it healthy from dead ends." You eat dinner in this shower cap, play in it and SLEEP in it. You also sneak to our bed at 3 am and when you toss, all I hear is crinkles. 

You do take it off to leave the house - praise the Lord!  You are your own person. That's for sure. I have told you a zillion times that the cap isn't necessary and explained why, but you think this will help it to not have to be trimmed and to grow faster- whatever Joy! Lol

You are healing nicely from your bone graft. A sliver of bone worked its way out of your mouth yesterday. That was a shocker.  We are heading back Wednesday for a check up. Your hip looks awesome. Such a rockstar you are! 

You took these photos as I drove to show me the sliver of bone working its way out. You can see the stitches in the back palate and stitches everywhere in the front. Many at elsewhere that you can't see from this photo. If you could've seen your mouth after surgery, you wouldn't believe this was three weeks ago! You're amazing! You know that braces are next (January) and you're so pumped. Mommy, however, is NOT. :-(   We drive 2.5 hours to the orthodontist, but with every trip I drive, I pray a prayer of Thanksgiving that I have the ability to send you to the beat dentist and orthodontist for cleft patients (and non-cleft affected patients!!!). So, when your birth family didn't have these opportunities, I'm reminded in my weariness. How grateful I am.

You teach us so much, Joy... So, so much. 

          I love you always, 

                 Mommy  

Mama/Baba to Mommy/Daddy

It seems that this week "Baba" has moved to "Daddy". So precious, but either way it is. It just seems so sweet to hear because it's new. I seem to be becoming "Mommy" instead of "Mama" also. It's like you are flying through developmental milestones that you needed to go through with us. Like getting a toy kitchen last Christmas - It was the best thing ever to you and then last week we passed it on to another adoptive family to enjoy. We are going through some tough times with taking two steps forward and one back with attachment, but it's a process. It will take time. Our love came instantly and yours is growing. Each time I hear "mommy", I smile - BIG. I will admit the ONLY time I grimace at the word is when you're in the bathroom. I don't do well sitting on the side of the bathtub for 30 minutes, but info love our conversations, so it balances out. You love to have me talk to you while you're bored for so long. Haha!!!   You've recently really taken to working in the kitchen with me. I taught you how to use a knife to cut up the cucumbers and potatoes for supper last night. You loved helping Anna and I. It really did help me to get singer on the table more quickly! Also, something else that's been changing - you and Eli bicker SO MUCH, but I walk you through apologizing and forgiving, so that's a good lesson as well. In the last three weeks, you haven't bathed or showered alone. Eli puts on his swimming trunks and you will put on your swimming bottoms and in you both go! You both love each other and are best friends, but oh my goodness it's been a lot of bickering.  Sometimes even when I hear it, I just giggle - siblings through and through!!!!  We have also been trying to work on realizing what is pretend and what is real. You saw a dinosaur on a movie and it scared you to death. We explained they were extinct and you said "that's not true"!!!!!! You were terrified and slept with us that night - right under my ribs. :-). We are gearing up for your next surgery (and hopefully the last one until you're a teen). They will be taking bone from your hip and grafting it into your palate to anchor your teeth and nasal cavity. It will fill the gaping hole. They will also close your back palate during the same surgery. This was a miracle to get done! I am going to take some credit and say they through very diligent efforts, Mommy got this approved! I worked my tail off fighting for you!!!! The back palate is your throat. When you make certain sounds, the back palate should close tightly against the back of the throat and yours is still not able to fully close tightly, so we hear lots of air coming out of your nose during those sounds. Your speech has gotten a lot WORSE, but it's because you got a palate expander in January and it's opening up the hope wider and wider to prepare for surgery. You will start orthodontics in January 2017.  It's been a rocky road, and you'll still have a long journey ahead, but it's still a beautiful one. I love you. Now to head back and kiss you and your siblings who are sleeping.

Sleep tight,
    Mommy ❤️

Rejected to accepted - it is not about me.

Month 11 was a magical month. 

All in all, you are adjusting beautifully, but when someone asks me "how is her transition", I don't want to be all "rainbows and unicorns" and not tell the whole truth, but the whole truth takes so much effort and time. So the answer is always "beautifully", because you have. You've adjusted in your perfectly, unique, hard, beautiful way. 

In China, I was rejected. 

Totally rejected in every way I could be rejected. You've always wanted to love me, you just couldn't show it. Or perhaps I was "taking the place" of a mother you had memories with? Either way, I could tell this whole journey that you are happy and know you're loved, but you just couldn't give in to show me.  I would get an occasional kiss or hug, but it was rare. 

That's ok. It really is.

This isn't about me,personally, and I've had to repeat that when my heart sinks in disappointment  over and over.  But it does hurt - I'm human. I prayed you home, I would lie in bed wondering about you to the wee hours of the night, glance to my backseat to really see no one in your seat, but I would "see" a mop of dark hair and almond eyes smiling at me. I worked endlessly on paperwork for nearly a year, etc etc etc, now to be rejected, BUT I just buried it and smiled pleasantly as if nothing was deep inside of me being ripped apart. 

It's not about me. 

Months of ducking when you could tell a kiss was about to come your way, months of leaning far away from me when I had to hold you, months of snuggling with daddy and asking him for everything. Months of hearing "I don't love YOU.. I love BABA, when I had to discipline. 

Months. 

And months. 

And now?

Month eleven. 

The magical, incredible month of May. There's never been a month so beautiful and full of peace and happiness. 

Twelve months of waiting for you to come  into our arms and 11 months of waiting for you to learn to accept my love and give into showing your love, too. Maybe even learning TO love me. 

Who knows? 

Who cares?

It's such a journey full of hard things, but each and every one of us CAN do hard thing with Jesus - we can! 

Today, I am enjoying nighttime snuggles, the words "I love you", asking me to hold you (and closely), lying on ME when you have a head ache, smiles and giggles and "thank you for choosing me". Who else would we've chosen, Joy? It was always you. 

It's a wild ride, but it's always been worth it. 

                                   I love you BIG, 

                                         Mommy

Selfless love

There once was a woman who gave birth to you. Before there was even a heartbeat, she loved you - I know she did. How do I know? She chose life for you. You were born with a myriad of special needs, and she likely knew about them all. She raised you until one day she had to do the unthinkable and place you for adoption. I know her heart was pounding as she pulled up to the orphanage to secretly leave you there. How do I know?  I am a mother.

She took you to a place where she felt you would be safe and taken care of. When I ask you what your belly mama looked like, you give the perfect answer - "she looked like me".  Oh, how beautiful she must be.  I often times wonder if your birthmother loved to sing and that's where you got the joy from music. I also wonder if she crinkles her nose up when she laughs, just as you do. I wonder if she had a great sense of humor and was wonderful at figuring out puzzles in life like you are.  

 

I wonder.

And I wonder.

One thing is for certain... she was selfless. She placed you with strangers so that you would have a better chance to live. She kept you for four years. Four years she raised you and then had to say "goodbye".  She had other choices, ones that make my stomach turn, but she didn't choose those. 
This woman means more to me than I can explain. She held my heart in her belly. She nursed you as a baby. She looked deep into your eyes and had dreams for you. She is the reason you have life, and I get the privilege to teach you how to live it. 

We are a team. 

She is the pitcher that pitched you the game of life and I am the coach teaching you how to knock it out of the park.

She had dreams for you and I get to teach you how to reach them. 

In photos taken shortly after you arrived at the orphanage, all I see in your eyes is grieving.  The picture is so special because it shows how much you loved your "belly mama". You can see it in your eyes.  You were aching with grief. For a long while during our wait, it was one of the only photos we had of you. It was quickly framed in a beautiful frame.  We didn't know you then, only had the photos. When you came home to us, we opened the front door and the first thing I saw was that haunting photo. I hated it. It is special, but oh so painful. It was quickly replaced with another photo and packed away for you to have one day. 

 I remember being on my knees in my laundry room begging the Lord to send me a child and I promised Him I would raise you to know God and to serve Him daily. I take my coaching job seriously, but it's a job I never wished I had to do. When you call upon me and I hear "Mom", I sometimes shudder as I hear it echo throughout my ears and travel to my heart. The tragedy that happened so that I can become your mother is more than I can handle on my own.  Today is the special day before Mother's Day to honor your special birthmother. I pray that she is taken care of and all her needs are met.  I pray that one day she will somehow know that you are becoming healthy and happy, that you are adored and are His child. I pray that she knows Jesus and has a peace that can only come through Him.   I pray she knows that she made the right choice, the heroic and selfless one.  Today, we honor your birthmother - part of your heart.


                                                                                                      With privilege,
                                                                                                                         Mommy