All in all, you are adjusting beautifully, but when someone asks me "how is her transition", I don't want to be all "rainbows and unicorns" and not tell the whole truth, but the whole truth takes so much effort and time. So the answer is always "beautifully", because you have. You've adjusted in your perfectly, unique, hard, beautiful way.
In China, I was rejected. 
Totally rejected in every way I could be rejected. You've always wanted to love me, you just couldn't show it. Or perhaps I was "taking the place" of a mother you had memories with? Either way, I could tell this whole journey that you are happy and know you're loved, but you just couldn't give in to show me. I would get an occasional kiss or hug, but it was rare.
That's ok. It really is.
This isn't about me,personally, and I've had to repeat that when my heart sinks in disappointment over and over. But it does hurt - I'm human. I prayed you home, I would lie in bed wondering about you to the wee hours of the night, glance to my backseat to really see no one in your seat, but I would "see" a mop of dark hair and almond eyes smiling at me. I worked endlessly on paperwork for nearly a year, etc etc etc, now to be rejected, BUT I just buried it and smiled pleasantly as if nothing was deep inside of me being ripped apart.
It's not about me.
Months of ducking when you could tell a kiss was about to come your way, months of leaning far away from me when I had to hold you, months of snuggling with daddy and asking him for everything. Months of hearing "I don't love YOU.. I love BABA, when I had to discipline.
Months.
And months.
And now?
Month eleven.
The magical, incredible month of May. There's never been a month so beautiful and full of peace and happiness.
Twelve months of waiting for you to come into our arms and 11 months of waiting for you to learn to accept my love and give into showing your love, too. Maybe even learning TO love me.
Who knows?
Who cares?
It's such a journey full of hard things, but each and every one of us CAN do hard thing with Jesus - we can!
Today, I am enjoying nighttime snuggles, the words "I love you", asking me to hold you (and closely), lying on ME when you have a head ache, smiles and giggles and "thank you for choosing me". Who else would we've chosen, Joy? It was always you.
It's a wild ride, but it's always been worth it.
I love you BIG,
Mommy
There's a whole lot of happy in this :) I'm thankful you have shared this journey. I also look forward to the book.
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