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Alone, I carried all four kids to the appointment for your heart to be evaluated. It was easy for me to carry you all and I never have had any hesitations with venturing out with you four. We stick together and enjoy our time being with one another. You are hopefully all learning very valuable lessons about loyalty and family! Our appointment was at 1:00. They called us back immediately because we were the only people there. The tech called us back for the echocardiogram. We would finally get to look at your heart! We waited so long to see if China was correct on the diagnosis and to see how it had progressed. Looking at the sonogram was like looking at a big blurry picture to me. I didn't have a clue what I was looking at except I noticed the miracle of the heart valves opening and closing with each pump from your heart. As the tech worked, it just kept going and going. We were an hour into the echo when the tech told me she was going to ask the doctor if he needed any additional pictures. My heart took a flying leap, but then I talked myself off the ledge of negativity. We waited for about 15 minutes and in came the doctor to look for himself. That's when I knew. I knew something was terribly wrong, but I stayed strong and kept a slight smile. My room was spinning and I'm surprised I could stand, but I'm sure that was God helping me to be a comfort to my four. He finished and told us to go back to our room and he would be in with us in a moment. We waited 10 excruciating minutes. I just knew we were heading in for emergency heart surgery. All I could think about was "heart", since we WERE at a cardiologist. The doctor came in and said the words "your daughter has a mass on her liver". He continued on talking, but I heard nothing - absolutely nothing. My ears started to buzz and I could see the doctors mouth still moving, but I couldn't hear. I tried to concentrate, but the pain was unbearable. I swallowed hard and almost passed out, but there again, my Lord held me up when I needed Him the most. My first thought after he said the words "mass on her liver" was "thank God"!
Why "thank God"?
Because we are selfish.
. Why I thanked God for the liver mass wasn't because you had a liver mass. I thanked Him for never letting me know that illness before choosing you. He knew that we weren't comfortable with anything related to the liver. We weren't open to biliary atresia, hepatitis, and certainly not a mass on the liver. He hid that from us. He knew our selfishness would have never said "yes" to you.... And that makes me physically sick.
Comfortable.
We weren't comfortable.
Is this life really about being comfortable? We are never called to be comfortable! Our hearts grew drastically after knowing you were ours. God changed our hearts and you were the tool that He used. Now, we would double the 22 medical conditions that we were open to having, but at that time, we didn't want anything too life threatening. Aren't we all delicate? You do not know what tomorrow holds. We have no power, even though we like to think so. We found out four long weeks after that Echo that the mass is a choledochtal cyst. It isn't Cancer! Those were the hardest weeks of my life. We told very little people about it because we didn't want to burden them with such a load ( I didn't even tell your Nana Mary) ... So we just put it at The Lord's feet and He carried it!
It is very large in your little body and they will open you up to remove it. It won't be laparoscopic and they say it's more painful than the heart surgery. They will make you a new bile duct from your intestines. The pain is so severe, they will give you an epidural for three days!!! We will be inpatient for a week through Thanksgiving and that hurts my heart. I want us all to be together, but we also wanted you to be well by December! I think being there on Thanksgiving will help us to realize our thankfulness even more. You are here, you are getting treated and you are such a blessing! Everything will soon be over and you will have happy days everyday!!!!! We just have to keep looking to the future!
Comfort and complacency are deadly sins. I'm glad our eyes were opened and hopefully will continue to get wider, as I know we can advance to Him more closely. I'm liking the book, "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan, loaned to me by my sweet brother, effectionatley called "Shu Shu Jason" by you. (Shu Shu is "uncle" in Mandarin. I don't want people to think that he stinks hahaha)
On another note, each time it's someone's turn to climb in our bed and snuggle with a night to themselves with us, I always watch them sleep. Depending upon my exhaustion, it could be 30 seconds or 30 minutes. I have loved the moments of watching their chest go up and down and laying my hand upon their tiny beating hearts. With all three "homegrown" kids, it something that I have always done and cherished.... as I cry and thank God for the miracle of their beating hearts. You've slept with us countless times since being our "homeflown" child. I've never been able to lay my hand on your broken heart. I just can't do it. Perhaps it would be because it has been broken in more than one way and the pain of each has been unimaginable.
I just couldn't do it.
Three nights after you were home from the hospital, I finally decided that the night had come. It was time to suck up my pain and touch your chest. Lots of tears were shed as all my pain for you came flooding out. Then came the peace.
You were healed fully... By His hands. Hopefully, one day you will be healed by His wounds. That will be quite a day!
As your tiny body laid in that big hospital bed last week, you would ask me to sleep with you. I would cling to the inch that you gave me and pretend to be asleep until you were asleep. When I opened my eyes to sneak to my cot, I cried. I finally had the "hospital moment" with you, in a shared bed with me, your mama. Oh, how I always treasured feeding your sister and brothers once they were newly born and staring upon their tiny faces all night long. Who could sleep at such an exciting time of blessings ? I couldn't! This was our moment. God sent me that peaceful moment when I needed it the most. He always pulls out all the stops and has the perfect timing! It was so unexpected, but aren't the best blessings unexpected? You were in my arms just like my others and you were finally right where you were supposed to be. I stopped in my selfishness and said a prayer for your first parents.
They gave you the gift of life and life gave us the gift of you. Thank you, birthparents. We are in debt to you.
Love Always,
️Mommy ❤️
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